Chapter 4 - Amercan Politeness

Chapter 4

Politeness

               Politeness.  American Politeness matches a standard dictionary definition of the word politeness.

               That is : showing good manners toward others, as in behavior, speech, being courteous, being civil or to reply politely.

               Many Americans as children are taught not to speak until spoken to.  So, in many cases, you might find it hard to get a word out of them if you don’t speak to them first.  A polite ‘Hello’ or ‘How are you?’ can do quite well to start a conversation.

               It is often said in the United States that some citizens in certain cities or states are unfriendly or lack politeness.  In fact there is an explanation for this.

               New York City is a big and famous city.  It is often one of those locales in the United States that people hint that the inhabitants are not very polite.  The reality is that they are polite – only they are polite, sometimes, very quickly.

               New York City is a very big city.   The people there are often busy at many different things at once.  It is difficult sometimes to get around in such a crowded and urban environment.  The people of New York have not lost their sense of refinement nor society – it is just that in a crowded rush when making one’s way to a train or a bus or into a crowded elevator or store – exchanges are made at a very fast pace.

               ‘Pardon me.’, ‘Excuse me.’ or other such phrases might be heard, if you listen above the din, thousands of times as you make your way through your day.

               People are jostled and hurried sometimes but the same rules and regulations regarding careful crossing of streets, driving of cars, buying and selling things and laws in general – are all held in esteem and carefully adhered to by the majority of New Yorkers.  As you make your way through such a crowded atmosphere someone might think it is good to develop a ‘thick skin’ and just plow right through but the result of such brutish behavior is immediately apparent as anyone behaving in an openly anti-social behavior soon finds themselves in hot water.

               Suffice it to say that the phrase, ‘Keep on one’s toes.’ is a good one to keep in mind while visiting New York.  It is entertaining and informative to watch two people from New York who have a long acquaintance and are engaged in business having an exchange with each other.

               In some parts of the country the people in the city think the people outside the city have no manners – but this is not the case.  Their manners may be more refined or carried out more slowly than the actions of a person from Chicago, New York, Houston or San Francisco.  They get to the same place but may work at a different rhythm.  This difference in tempo can be the reason some people believe that some other citizens are not polite.

               I could go on at length and tell you of all the idiosyncrasies of behavior that might be considered polite in one part of the country only to put you at a disadvantage if you travel to another part of the nation.

               Americans are from many lands and many cultures.  It is always best to be aware of your surroundings and ask questions if you are not clear on something or how to behave.  Do not be insulted if someone gives you unbidden guidance.  Of course, it is another story if they do so with a bad attitude in which case you can be assured they are not expressing American Politeness.

               Many Americans consider it polite and sincere to look each other directly in the eye from time to time when having.  It can be considered rude and may be interpreted as threatening to look continuously at someone or stare at someone unless you are talking with them.

               Sincerity is very important American trait.

               Now that we are talking about Politeness I will bring forth the opinion of one of America’s greatest writers, Mark Twain.  He wrote, “The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.”

               At times politeness may be used to hide ugly feelings but if that is the case then you will know it.  The proper response in such occasions is to respond politely until you can exit the interaction.

               Mark Twain had a lot to say, not all of which I agree with, but as you watch American entertainment, whether on television or in the movies you may see many examples of comic episodes where politeness is masking some other emotion or meaning.

               In general, however, in America, politeness is intended to grease the wheels of commerce on the one hand and to ease and make more pleasant human relations on the other.  After all, as it has been said often, we are all in this together.

               In the book ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’, Harper Lee gives an excellent example of American Politeness.  A young boy is invited to stay for dinner and not having much at his own home excitedly eats what is offered to him.  After eating hungrily his young friend nearly says something rude to him at the table but the girl is told by the housekeeper, “There are some folks who don't eat like us, but you ain't called on to contradict 'em at the table when they don't. That boy's yo' comp'ny and if he wants to eat up the tablecloth you let him, you hear?"

               The idea of American Politeness is most best understood and expressed by an American when they are offering you hospitality whether at their table or in their home.  As you become used to the idea of being an American you may find yourself behaving in this way.  Of course – you probably do already.  America is made up of the best from all places and times – or should be anyway.

               American politeness can be used to disarm an unpleasant situation or increase the joy from a pleasant one.

               Offering a chair to someone advanced in years or to a pregnant woman.  Holding a door open for someone else.  Passing the salt.  Passing the butter.  Asking please for the jelly to be passed.

               Using words like ‘Please’, ‘Thank you’, ‘You’re welcome’, ‘After you’, ‘Much obliged’ – whether in a slow style or with much rush – shows that the person speaking these words has an understanding of society and the need for civil cooperation even among those not already acquainted.

               There is a difference that can be seen at a shopping mall full of holiday shoppers or thousands of fans at a sports event that is different from that of a riotous mob or drunken revelry.

               Notwithstanding the gruff, standalone attitude one may encounter around the nation it has long been recognized that politeness has its place in American commerce and society.  If a car breaks down there will be someone to help which is only polite as the same may be needed for themselves someday.

               This is not a matter of selfishness, but rather, common sense.

               If a stranger asks how to get to a certain destination wherever they happen to be in the United States they are likely to get a polite set of instructions to set them on their way safely to their destination.

               If a woman or a weaker person is bullied or bothered there will often be someone or several to speak up for them.   A rude action being balanced by a polite response.

               American Politeness has always been a matter of manners and the way in which people conduct themselves.  To borrow from Emily Post – a writer about etiquette and manners we can draw these things out.

               An education that limits the mind is an obviously limited education.  The best man puts himself in touch with whomever he happens to be.  It follows that the more subjects he is acquainted with the more people he will be able to communicate with.  Therefore the more customers, associates or constituents he will have.

               Here we have seen more than a hint of selfishness in the idea of American Politeness.  Just as sometimes the heart or the soul does not prod someone on to right action in many different arenas – right reason can be brought to bear to help them along.

               The more individuals that are successful at this sort of American Politeness, you see, ensures that the society they move in will have more opportunity and gain than a closed society of ill-manner people.

The real measure of American Politeness is how an individual develops their interest in people, things, and events so as to be a stimulating and supporting influence on the people he has occasion to meet.

               By expressing American Politeness it is possible to work through and even enjoy a wide variety of social occasions, work situations and sporting events because such a person, whether at a work bench, controlling a machine, performing accountancy, playing sports or taking leisure gives an impression of such ease as to make his accomplishment seemingly require no skill.

               It is more than a social grace.  It is necessary in a world of violence and vice.  Though someone may pretend to it in the end it is clear if the person expression American Politeness is doing it as extension of their own good self for your benefit as a fellow citizen or as the act of a puppet.

               A man by the name of Samuel Wells wrote that politeness is something more than pretense and I have to agree with him.  He continues, “It is the result of the combined action of all the moral and social feelings, guided by judgment and refined by taste. It requires the exercise of benevolence, veneration (in its human aspect), adhesiveness, and ideality, as well as of conscientiousness. It is the spontaneous recognition of human solidarity—the flowering of philanthropy—the fine art of the social passions. It is to the heart what music is to the ear, and painting and sculpture to the eye.”

               That may be a bit too detailed of a description but I thank Mr. Wells for his expression of American Politeness.

               The points I would like to indicate as being most important about American Politeness in our society is that is a tie that binds.  It is a display of benevolence whenever expressed.  It shows veneration, admiration and appreciation in the human aspect by recognizing in others the same light and life that burns within ourselves.  A religious person might equate it with God and the admonition that we are to love others as we love ourselves.  A person of stout heart who does not believe in God might see that American Politeness is acknowledgement of the ideal that we are all created equal in this nation and due the respect that we give unto others.

               Mr. Wells gives us even more to go on.

               He agrees that there is no greater mistake in society and human relations than to believe that politeness is a “matter of arbitrary forms”.  What he is saying there that politeness, American Politeness is not just a series of learned actions to go along with a certain situation – like the correct placing of a fork or knife on a table.

He goes on to assure us, and again, I agree that it has as real foundation in the nature and relations of men and women.  Just as we have government and common law we have a structure of American Politeness that allows us to traverse social occasions and business activities.

Without American Politeness we would have an even harder time among ourselves.  Our nation is so diverse and scattered at times that when two cultures meet American Politeness allows us to interact in positive fashions – or at least avoid unfortunate circumstances and any clash that might have occurred otherwise.             

We do not hear much about the particulars of individual crimes or personal errors through the media.  We hear or see only the outrageous results.  It is common, however, that when the tales of the actual event are told that without a doubt that the recounting of the entire horrid set of affairs – whatever they may be – clearly lack human empathy and to put it simply the actions that accompany or that are seen when American Politeness is expressed.

I am not trying to say that this is the answer to crime and violence.  Clearly, however, just as we can see that when social mores and empathy are removed also go the arts of civility known as politeness.  We can detect that they are in our social interactions and are important by noting where they are lacking which is in situation which are diametrically opposed to the smooth and orderly relations we are concerned with.

American Politeness is a code of civility.  It is how we get along daily as we pass through our social and business functions.  Consider again the great metropolis of New York.  It is no exception.  Without roots in politeness and that particular international kind we are talking about, American Politeness, New York would not last long.

               C. P. Bronson, “originally listed as a Deacon and Missionary for the Episcopal church, by 1829, he was an ordained Episcopalian minister, serving at St. Paul's Church in Norwalk, Ohio, has been recorded as saying, "In politeness, as in every thing else connected with the formation of character, we are too apt to begin on the outside, instead of the inside; instead of beginning with the heart, and trusting to that to form the manners, many begin with the manners, and leave the heart to chance and influences. The golden rule contains the very life and soul of politeness: 'Do unto others as you would they should do unto you.'”

               American Politeness is based on sincerity, good-will, self-control and a habitual ingrained regard for the rights of others.

               We can see that in its root politeness is akin to polity.  Polity is a particular form or system of government.  Politeness, or American Politeness in this case, is a loose system of behavior with very tightly defined results.  The looseness is not to indicate baseness but a wide sourcing.  As we know Americans are descended from and come from many different cultures, backgrounds and religions.  Each one of them has their own set of social systems expressed in politeness.  American Politeness comes into play when the barriers of language, culture and habit need to be cleared away for a social or business occasion.  As it is used more often American Politeness can come to reveal a love and respect for others that truly expresses a person’s own inner worth.  It is this individual participation that is the bedrock and supporting cloth of American society.

               Inazo Nitobe wrote in ‘BUSHIDO THE SOUL OF JAPAN ‘ “Politeness is a poor virtue, if it is actuated only by a fear of offending good taste, whereas it should be the outward manifestation of a sympathetic regard for the feelings of others.”

               This is the same for American Politeness.  It is a poor thing, indeed, if it is only done out of fear.  To be properly addressed and expressed and experienced, American Politeness should be grounded in concern for the feelings of others and the situation at hand.  If all things are the same it is behavior of a heartfelt quality that will ring true.

               American Politeness is no display of weakness.  It is a display of power and certitude that everything will come out all right.  It is through manners that American Politeness can be expressed.  It is taught to the children with the caution to ‘mind your manners’.  It is taught through business interactions that allow business arrangements to be made conveniently and to the advantage of both or several parties with a minimum of disruption.

               American Politeness developed over a great deal of time.  It originated from its roots in America and from the influx of peoples from Europe and Asia and Africa.  Each group of people bringing their own special ways of communicating and each one measuring the other until the best have settled over the nation.  The openness of American Politeness means that it is easy to engage it.

               Used in private social situations it allows us to wish each other ‘Happy Birthday’ or ask someone if they need help with something or to offer something to them they might like without their having to ask.

               In business situations it allows for introductions to be made smoothly and for business relations to be carried out in an easy and honest manner.

               Ralph Waldo Emerson had this to say about manners, though I take it, like the quote by Mark Twain, with a grain of salt, because as Mark Twain was showing a modest disrespect of false manners or politeness Ralph Waldo Emerson here is painting it with a high flourish and intended it to be reflective of a certain ‘class’ of society while I believe it is today indicative of the general use and expression of American Politeness, “The association of these masters with each other, and with men intelligent of their merits, is mutually agreeable and stimulating. The good forms, the happiest expressions of each, are repeated and adopted. By swift consent, everything superfluous is dropped, everything graceful is renewed.”

               What I see he has written here I explain this way for our modern selves and the American Politeness that has developed.  Like sign language it is a universal language that we can all agree on as common ground.  So when we see two or more practitioners of American Politeness actually interacting in this way we can all appreciate it intellectually and personally that this is such and such a way to do such and such a thing.  The best ways, of course, survive and are repeated and themselves develop into new and more exciting and easy to understand methods of communication that we can all use as Americans in our daily social and business interactions.

               How can you learn how to do it?  Watch and learn.  Be.  See. Do.

               Sincerity, however, I feel is absolutely important and necessary when expressing American Politeness.  It is the sincerity that raises it above mere politeness to get things done to American Politeness which is part of our adventure.  That is why I am going to discuss Sincerity – American Sincerity next.