Escaping Abuse - Spouse, Alcohol, Drugs, Violence

 

Escaping Abuse

Spouse

Alcohol

Drugs

Violence

 

By Alfred Brock

 

Introduction

 

          This book is about ways to help yourself and how to help others.

          If you are being abused this book will provide you with a few options for you to look into.  These are only a few but very powerful.  There are tens of thousands of others.  These are a few to get started with so that you can regain your life and pursue those things which you hold dear to your heart.

          If know someone who is being abused this book will point you to some groups and people that can help you help others.  All you would need to do is share them with someone you are concerned about.

          Whether you are being abused, know someone who is suffering or just want to help this book will provide you with starting points.  As you begin your journey or renew your journey to freedom and joy in life you will meet many heroes – the most important hero you will meet is yourself.

 

          Abuse occurs in many forms.  It can be mental abuse from a spouse or family member.  Abuse can be the abuse of drugs or alcohol.  Abuse can be physical violence.

          There are more forms of abuse but in this short book we are going to look at these four : Spouse, Alcohol, Drugs and Violence.

          Spousal abuse can take place in the home.  It can be composed of mental, emotional or physical abuse and often is a combination of these.  Many people ask, when informed of a problem, ‘Why doesn’t that person leave?’

          There are complex reasons why someone does not leave an abusive relationship.  Humans are not intended to live a lonely life.  There is a natural bonding that takes place between people that becomes extraordinarily deep.  Those instincts alone may be cause enough for someone to stay, or at least, be reluctant to leave a relationship no matter how abusive it becomes.

          Sometimes the abuse may become a contest to see which of the combatants can take the most and win.

          Very often the reason someone stays is because of the fear of the partner or others who may take retribution on them for leaving.  They live in fear of present circumstances while also being oppressed by a horrifying view of what might happen if they did depart.

          In some cases the abuse extends to control of money and property.  The abuser, if they are in a position to do so, can withhold money and deny rights to property through legal means or intimidation.  The loss of a home, social standing, friends, long time acquaintances, neighbors or even access to children can deter many from departing.

          To show how fundamentally wrong this form of forced captivity is and how strange the circumstances surrounding them is the fact that in some cases one of the spouses may not leave an abusive relationship because they don’t want to leave the family dog behind or because the abusing spouse threatened the dog if the abused spouse left.

          These are real human predicaments.

          They can be made worse by friends and family being incredulous towards the person who is detailing their plight or talking about it.  Asking someone if they are sure that their spouse was abusing them for getting drunk and shouting at them for hours, for instance, is a way that a friend or family member may discount what has just been told to them.  Whether or not they were expressing true scorn, as is sometimes the case, this deflection of a report of abuse could shut the abused person up. 

          Spouse abuse is not someone should have to shut up and take or face with a ‘stiff upper lip’.  Whether the abuse is mental, physical or emotional it steals from the abused person their rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  It is a family tragedy that is all too often hidden from the world.

          Talking now about alcohol abuse this form of abuse has several victims.  First of all if the person is married to another then the spouse would take the brunt of the abuse.  They need to deal with a person who takes household finances for their own personal use (and later need as the alcoholism progresses) and thereby reduces the amount of funds used to run the household.  With resources depleted choices become fewer for all involved.

          Alcohol abuse impacts children as well as adults around the person or persons abusing alcohol.  Time lost that should have been spent with the children to educate them and be available to them can never be regained.  The example set by the abuser of alcohol and their daily behavior on display before the children can cause the children to fall into alcohol abuse themselves when they get older.  Combine this fact with a genetic disposition for some people to be poisoned by alcohol in this way the abuser of alcohol is laying the same trap for the children that they themselves have been caught in.

          Friends and other family members are also gravely effected by alcohol abuse.  Again, quality time lost, decisions made in error or deferred or never made can cause money loss, financial distress and many other problems.  Disease follows alcoholism along with a high rate of accident and injury.  Strangely these dire results are often used as the reasoning behind continuing to drink alcohol or increase consumption rather than taken as the warning signs and losses that they are as a result of alcohol abuse.

          Alcohol abuse is shrugged off in many ways.  After all there are billions and billions of dollars spent every year to convince people that drinking alcohol is a natural way to celebrate, gain friends, have meaningful relationships, as a way to relax, as a reward and many other positive things when the truth remains that alcohol is a product like any other and does not enhance life but instead inhibits it.

          Alcohol abuse accompanies spouse abuse in many ways.  It can cause it, it can worsen it.  It never makes it better.

          Turning now to Drug Abuse, this takes many forms.  It can be as simple as consuming all of the drugs that a doctor provides.  In a very legal fashion millions of Americans suffer from drug abuse and don’t even know it.  In the case of opioids for pain relief, once a human being consumes opioids for up to 16 to 30 days their body becomes dependent on them.  This happens to every single person.  If the individual continues to consume them for up to 60 to 90 days, which is, in many cases, the number of days the opioids are prescribed for, the body then become addicted.  This happens to every single person.  It is nature of opioids.  They have been classified as ‘Pharamkon’ which means that they are both a medicine and a poison.

          Their traditional use for excruciating pain like that from combat wounds, serious accident and end-of-life has been expanded to handing them out to teenagers whether they sprained their ankle playing football or turned a wrist cheerleading.  The wide variety of reasons they are given to adults is extraordinary.  Even with today’s changing laws doctors and ‘pain clinics’ continue to dispense these poisons at an alarming rate.  Manufacturers have been served notice, that is true, but costs for the law cases against them are tax-deductible and are primarily going to State and other governmental agencies.  The money is used then to counter the symptoms but not the cause of the opioid plague.

          Opioids, Cocaine, Methamphetamines, Alcohol, Nicotine and the rest all have aspects of physical addiction associated with them.  They also have psychological and social aspects of addiction that come along with them.  Methamphetamines, for example, are less addictive than opioids, but the social and psychological addiction that comes along with their use are so strong that people cannot easily escape from them either.

          The problem is complicated from many directions.  The first is the complication of stigma.  Quite simply, no one wants to talk about it.  Drug addiction is not a popular topic.  People tend towards happy news or accepting the inevitable or just gossiping about negative things.  In either conversation, happy news or negative things, discussion of drugs and drug addiction is quickly dropped in ‘polite company’.  It goes farther than that as some people will flatly state they don’t talk about ‘that’ – meaning drugs or drug addiction.

          This lack of discussion can lead to a stifling of information.  A person may be denied care, miss care or be treated unfairly due to circumstances that they fell into.  Even if they moved in the direction of drug use only to find the truth too late no one, in my estimation, prepares for a world of denigration, destitution, pain, violence and misery in return for a good time.

          As with alcohol abuse drugs can be used first as a way to seek pleasure and then, as problem arise, as a way to attempt escape them.  Just as with alcohol drugs then become more of a hindrance to being able to live a happy or normal life while still being viewed as a good or necessary thing to the abuser.

          With drug abuse comes all the things we talked about with spouse abuse and alcohol abuse.  The drugs may cause these things or be a result of these things.  They are seldom found alone.  There is no happy tent where someone has figured out how to be happy and live a healthy life while abusing drugs.

          This brings us to another factor that shapes drug abuse.

          That is the idea of a ‘community’ of drug users.  To see how vapid this concept is all we need to do is take a look at a group of people who abuse nicotine.  That is, a small bunch of smokers who meet each day to smoke cigarettes or use other tobacco at ‘break time’ at a company.  They all go to the same ‘Smoking Allowed’ area and congregate there.  They become acquainted.  They spend time together using their nicotine.  It would seem a social event from those looking from without but with a little inquiry to the smokers we find that the only reason that particular group of people are together is because of the nicotine.  They don’t have anything else in common.  Their conversation is happenstance and of little substance.  It rarely, if ever, produces anything of even the remotest social or business value.

          Expand this idea then that this group of disparate individuals forms a ‘community’ and you can perceive a bit of what is really happening in the drug ‘lifestyle’ and in the drug ‘community’.  You can expand it to any bar as well.  Remove the substance and it would be unlikely that the same group of people would gather together for some other reason.

          The idea of ‘community’ is very strong in the world of drug abuse.  There is an insistence that no one else who has not ‘gone through it’ would ever be able to understand it.  This argument is then followed by certain levels of having ‘gone through it’ for which each dehumanizing and terrible thing that happened to a person or that the person did while under the influence reserves for them a different level of respect and honor.  It is strange to say the least but a very real phenomenon.  This set of stilted ideals persists because the ‘community’ resists intrusion in this way but mostly because of the stigma.  The reasoning being used by those who abuse drugs to try and understand or reason why they are trapped in the use of the drugs or why they prefer to continue for the rest of their lives never stands up to honest inquiry or conversation that may occur in a family.  The emotional root of it is expanded until there is no room for discussion with the door being shut behind the idea that no one who had not done what the abuser of drugs had done or gone through would ever be able to understand.

          Drug abuse, no different than alcohol abuse, has its ‘corporate’ sponsors as well.  The industry that provides addictive drugs to individuals on a regular basis is extraordinarily well financed, nuanced, organized and quite strict on the social mores they insist on.  These include silence, lying, misinformation, various forms of abuse and the application of deadly violence or other acts that normally only occur in war.

          Drug abuse is especially troubling because of its physically addictive qualities combined with its social and psychological addictive qualities. 

          Drug abuse, like alcohol abuse and spouse abuse relies on secrecy and the reluctance of people to discuss in order to continue unfettered.  The impact it has on families and friends and the community at large can be the same as spouse abuse and alcohol abuse.  The reference to acts of war is in no way intended to sensationalize the issue as it is common knowledge that vicious acts of violence, including rape, beatings, robbery, looting, arson, murder and more are part of the drug ‘culture’.  These things are avoided in the ‘community’ discussions as if they were divorced from the whole proceedings.

          Finally we can take a look at Violence as abuse.  Violence can be inflicted on others in Spouse Abuse, through Alcohol Abuse, Drug Abuse or just in a vicious manner.  Violence Abuse can be through shouting, beating, threatening, lying or even with silence.  There is even a phrase for that last one, ‘Silence is violence.’

         

          In closing it is time we no longer let Silence set the agenda.  Why not end the stigma and talk about Spouse Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Drug Abuse and Violence Abuse?

 

The Crisis Text Line

 

 

You can access the ‘Crisis Text Line’ at this internet address :

https://www.crisistextline.org/

 

You can text the word HOME to them at this number :

741741

 

How It Works

Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the United States, anytime. Crisis Text Line is here for any crisis. A live, trained Crisis Counselor receives the text and responds, all from our secure online platform. The volunteer Crisis Counselor will help you move from a hot moment to a cool moment.

 

How to Deal with Emotional Abuse

If you are being abused it is not your fault. You are not alone. We’re here for you—always.

 

What is Emotional Abuse?

Everyone has disagreements in relationships. There is a line, however, in which your run-of-the-mill disagreement transitions to abuse. Abuse—sometimes known as domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV)—is consistent behavior used to assert power or control over a partner in a relationship.

 

Abuse can take so many forms. The first thing’s first: abuse of any kind is never okay. And, if you are being abused it is not your fault. You are not alone. We’re here for you—always.

 

Emotional abuse is one type of relationship abuse. It is often sneaky and hard to detect because there are often no physical signs. Even though it flies under the radar, it’s very serious. Sometimes it’s a precursor to physical abuse. Other times, it’s relentless and ongoing. Over time, emotional abuse can be extremely damaging to your mental health.

 

Sometimes known as psychological abuse, emotional abuse is consistent actions and behaviors intended to psychologically manipulate someone else. (Think making someone feel shame or guilt over and over and over again.)

 

The bottom line: emotional abuse is hurtful. It can be detrimental to your identity, dignity, and self-worth, sometimes leading to anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

 

Myths about Emotional Abuse

Particularly because emotional abuse can be hard to spot, myths about what it is and when it happens can make it hard to seek help. Read on to get to the bottom of emotional abuse.

 

MYTH: Emotional and physical abuse always occur together.

 

REALITY: Emotional abuse can happen with no physical signs–that’s part of what makes it so hard to spot.

 

MYTH: Emotional abuse only happens to women.

 

REALITY: Like any abuse, emotional abuse can happen to anyone and in any relationship. Often, emotional abuse occurs between intimate partners, but it could occur among friends and peers, too.

 

MYTH: Emotional abuse isn’t “as bad” as physical abuse.

 

REALITY: Anything hurtful is just that—hurtful. There is no need to compare or judge one painful experience against another. Any abuse is never okay. And, if you are experiencing it in any way, you deserve help.

 

Help for Emotional Abuse

 

So, you think you might be experiencing emotional abuse. Now what?

 

Reaching out for help is brave. It’s especially brave if someone you are close to has used your emotions to assert their own power. We believe you and we’re here for you. Your emotions are valid. Let’s do this together.

 

Here are a few ways to get help and stay safe:

 

Reach out. Sharing your emotions with someone who can help you process and validate what you are going through can help you see light in even the darkest of times. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor.

Tip: For your safety, it may be wise to delete your texts after the conversation, particularly if your abuser has access to your phone.

Tell someone in your life. The benefits of confiding in someone in your life are two-fold: you can find an ally in your corner to process what you’re going through and you can spend some quality time away from the person who is abusing you. Work to build a core group of people who you know will always have your back.

Safety plan. Even when emotional abuse is not coupled with physical abuse, it is still unsafe. Think through and plan for all the ways you could get out of the relationship when you need to and are ready.

Signs of Emotional Abuse

Because emotional abuse can be hard to pinpoint, it is important to look for patterns of behaviors that could indicate abuse.

 

Criticism. Unrelenting criticism of what you say or do with a specific intention to display power.

Shame and blame. Sometimes emotional abuse manifests as incessant blaming and shaming for anything and everything. And, this goes two ways. Abusers may deflect blame or their responsibility for any hurtful actions, leaving the survivor feeling like they are the one at fault

Threats. Threatening in emotionally abusive relationships often happens two ways: threatening physical harm and threatening you to do something you do not want to do.

Control. Emotional abusers may control your finances in an attempt to force you to stay in an abusive relationship. (Sad fact: survivors often cite financial manipulation as a primary reason they stay with an abusive partner.)

Crisis Text Line can help you deal with emotional abuse, whether you’re in an abusive relationship or recovering from an unhealthy situation. Reach a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME to 741741.

 

How to Cope with Emotional Abuse

If you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship, know that you deserve love and support. Nobody deserves to be abused. Recovering from emotional abuse may take time. No matter who is abusing you, or how big of a part of your life they are, recovery is possible.

 

Here are a few ways to put yourself first in your recovery:

 

Find a pro. Recovering from abuse is not linear. And, it’s normal (healthy, even!) to need help processing your emotions in a healthy way. Many therapists are trained specifically to work with survivors of abuse. Reaching out to a for help from a professional could help you transform the way you think, act, and process the emotions around your relationships.

Self-care. If you’ve been living in any sort of abusive relationship, it’s likely that you’ve put caring for yourself on the backburner. Practicing self-care (going for a walk, eating the right food, listening to music) reduces symptoms of depression and anxiety that you may be feeling. Prioritizing your self-care could be the first step to resetting your life after abuse. So, put yourself first!

Find your people. Rebuilding your life after abuse can feel overwhelming. Like anything in life, the hard stuff is easier when you’ve got people in your corner. Try joining a new club, starting a regular workout class, or scheduling some quality time with the people who matter to you.

Text us. We’re here for any and all of the hard stuff. Even if you’re well on your way to recovery, you can reach out to us any time you are in crisis and need to chat with a real human. Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a Crisis Counselor

We can help. Reach a Crisis Counselor by texting HOME to 741471.

 

Pass 741741 On To A Friend

You never know who might need Crisis Text Line. Pass it on and tell the people in your life to text HOME to 741741 if they’re ever in crisis.

 

 

Finding a Local Social Worker

 

Social Workers can help find reasonably priced or free assistance for many services. 

 

One way to find a local social worker is to go to this internet address :

https://www.helpstartshere.org/?page_id=3677

 

Below you will find suggestions on how to find a social worker.  They are all listed at ‘Helpstartshere.org’.

 

Find a Social Worker

 

HelpPRO Therapist Finder / HelpPRO Social Worker Finder

https://www.onlinetherapy.com/social-workers/

Are you looking for a therapist or social worker to help you deal with anxiety, depression, or marital issues? Do you have concerns about your child’s behavior or the aging of a parent? HelpPRO offers immediate access to comprehensive information about clinical social workers and therapists across the country who can help.  Developed in partnership with NASW.

Clinicians who are NASW members can get listed on HelpPRO.

 

Psychology Today Therapy Directory

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

Therapy involves talking with a trained professional about conditions ranging from depression and anxiety to relationship conflicts and career frustrations. Therapy provides ways to express feelings, understand patterns of thinking, gain perspective on past events and current relationships, set goals, and clarify dreams for the future. Clinical social workers make up more than 40 percent of the Psychology Today Therapy Directory listings; many also run blogs that cover a range of mental wellness topics.

 

NetworkTherapy.com

https://www.networktherapy.com/directory/therapist_results.asp?c1=64137

 

Search for a therapist.

The decision to see a therapist is very personal. People often choose therapy in times of stress or emotional pain, or when they want to grow. The decision to call a therapist may be a difficult one but is viewed as a strength—not knowing the answers to all your life questions is normal. Whatever your reason for seeking therapy, the right therapist will listen to your concerns and help you decide upon an appropriate course of action.

 

Other ways to find the right therapist for you:

Talk to trusted friends, family, or clergy about professionals they may know

Ask another health care provider, such as a family doctor, for a recommendation

Ask your health insurance company for a mental health provider list

Use a referral service from a national professional organization for therapists

 

Contact a local or national mental health organization or national medical society

National Association of Social Workers

750 First Street, NE • Suite 800

Washington, DC 20002-4241

socialworkers.org

 

What do social workers do?

In thousands of ways, social workers help people help themselves. People of every age and every background. In every corner of the country,  wherever we’re needed.

 

Social workers are uniquely qualified to help people in their own environment, by looking at all the aspects of their life and cultures. We work to ensure your personal well-being, to prevent crises, to counsel individuals and families, and to help build strong communities.

 

We make sure people get the help they need, from the best resources available. Social workers help people in every stage of life overcome life’s most difficult challenges, and the troubles of everyday living, including:

 

Social workers reach every part of the community. They work at mental health clinics, hospitals and hospice care, adoption agencies, nonprofit organizations, and in places you may not expect, including:

 

schools

courts

libraries

military service

corporations

senior centers

prisons

veterinary clinics

Wherever and whenever you need help, social workers are there.

 

Social workers are…

Educated

There are more than 600,000 professional social workers in the United States who have committed their lives to making a difference. They have earned bachelor’s, master’s or doctoral social work degrees, and have completed the required number of hours in supervised fieldwork to earn the title “social worker.”

 

Experienced

Social workers take pride in being the only professionals trained to work with people in their environment, looking at all dimensions of the individual’s life. Our training comes from a nationwide system of accredited education programs, and is reinforced with practice standards, credentials, and state licensing regulations.

 

Ethical

Social workers blend their education and work experience with a strong code of ethics. Every social worker values these principles, which they turn to daily as they help people face life’s challenges.

 

The NASW Code of Ethics addresses:

 

Service

Social workers elevate service to others above self-interest. They help people in need and address social problems. They volunteer some portion of their professional skills in support of others.

 

Dignity and Worth

We value every person and treat them with respect, no matter their differences.

 

Relationships

We understand that having relationships helps. We seek to strengthen relationships among people to promote, restore, maintain, and enhance the well-being of individuals, families, social groups, organizations, and communities.

 

Integrity

Every relationship we have is built on trust. Every day we are aware of our core values, and the ethical principles that we abide by.

 

Competence

We practice within our abilities and strive to develop and gain knowledge and skills that we can apply in practice.

 

 

 

Social Justice

We challenge injustice in the world. Particularly on behalf of vulnerable and oppressed individuals and groups.

 

National Association of Social Workers (NASW)

The National Association of Social Workers (NASW), is the largest organization of social work professionals in the world. Ninety percent of our members hold a master’s degree in social work (MSW). There are NASW chapters in every state in the United States, Washington, D.C., New York City, Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands.

 

NASW works to promote the well-being of individuals, families and communities. Through its advocacy, NASW aims to shape legislation and public policy that:

 

Protects and strengthens the social work profession

Creates and maintains professional standards

Promotes human rights and well-being for all people

Strengthens communities and expands options for you and your family

 

NASW Practice Standards

The practice of social work requires knowledge of human development and behavior; of social and economic, and cultural institutions, and; of the interaction of all these factors as well as skills in developing relationships, accessing services, assessing needs and facilitating change.

 

NASW Practice Standards provide benchmarks that describe the services that social workers should provide; employers should support, and; consumers should expect, in a variety of practice areas, including:

 

Substance Use Disorders

Continuing Education

Technology

Adolescents

Health Care

Clinical Social Work

Cultural Competence

Child Welfare

Personnel Practices

Palliative Care

School Social Work

Long-Term Care

Case Management

Social Work Practice with Family

Caregivers of Older Adults

Service Members, Veterans, and Their Families

 

Alcohol Data:

 

In 2020, 50.0% of people aged 12 or older (or 138.5 million people) used alcohol in the past month (i.e., current alcohol users) (2020 NSDUH)

Among the 138.5 million people who were current alcohol users, 61.6 million people (or 44.4%) were classified as binge drinkers and 17.7 million people (28.8% of current binge drinkers and 12.8% of current alcohol users) were classified as heavy drinkers (2020 NSDUH)

The percentage of people who were past month binge alcohol users was highest among young adults aged 18 to 25 (31.4%) compared with 22.9% of adults aged 26 or older and 4.1% of adolescents aged 12 to 17 (2020 NSDUH)

The 2019 National Survey on Drug Use and Health reports that 139.7 million Americans age 12 or older were past month alcohol users, 65.8 million people were binge drinkers in the past month, and 16 million were heavy drinkers in the past month

About 2.3 million adolescents aged 12 to 17 in 2019 drank alcohol in the past month, and 1.2 million of these adolescents binge drank in that period (2019 NSDUH)

Approximately 14.5 million people age 12 or older had an alcohol use disorder (2019 NSDUH)

Excessive alcohol use can increase a person’s risk of stroke, liver cirrhosis, alcoholic hepatitis, cancer, and other serious health conditions

Excessive alcohol use can also lead to risk-taking behavior, including driving while impaired. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 29 people in the United States die in motor vehicle crashes that involve an alcohol-impaired driver daily

 

 

 

 

 

 

SAMHSA

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

 

SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.

 

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

 

Here is their Internet Address :

https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline

 

What is SAMHSA’s National Helpline?

SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.

 

What are the hours of operation?

The service is open 24/7, 365 days a year.

 

What languages are available?

English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative.

 

How many calls do you receive?

In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.

 

Do I need health insurance to receive this service?

The referral service is free of charge. If you have no insurance or are underinsured, we will refer you to your state office, which is responsible for state-funded treatment programs. In addition, we can often refer you to facilities that charge on a sliding fee scale or accept Medicare or Medicaid. If you have health insurance, you are encouraged to contact your insurer for a list of participating health care providers and facilities.

 

Will my information be kept confidential?

The service is confidential. We will not ask you for any personal information. We may ask for your zip code or other pertinent geographic information in order to track calls being routed to other offices or to accurately identify the local resources appropriate to your needs.

 

Do you provide counseling?

No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.

 

 

 

Al-Anon

 

Here is Al-Anon’s internet address :

https://al-anon.org/

 

Who Are Al-Anon Members?

Al-Anon members are people, just like you, who are worried about someone with a drinking problem.

 

Al-Anon Family Groups is a spiritual fellowship, not a religious one. We avoid discussion of specific religious doctrine, and members of all faiths (or of none) are welcome. Our Twelve Steps ask us to find a “Power greater than ourselves” who can help us solve our problems and find serenity. Each member is free to define that power in his or her own way.

No advance notification or formal written referral is necessary to attend an Al-Anon or Alateen meeting.  Most Al-Anon groups have a contact who can be called for information about the group, our program in general, or for directions to a meeting.  Many Alateen groups meet at the same time and location as an Al-Anon group. Alateen meetings are open only to teenagers. (Note: Some Alateen meetings also welcome pre-teen aged children)

          There are no dues or fees in Al-Anon and Alateen meetings. Most groups pass a basket for voluntary contributions. Members are asked to contribute what they can afford, so that the group can pay rent, provide literature, and offer support to local and worldwide service centers.

          Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.

In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

There are a variety of reasons why people are reluctant to attend their first meeting.

First, they’re so deeply engaged in trying to cope with a stressful situation that it’s hard to break away from engrained patterns of behavior.

On the one hand, we know that any possible solution is likely to be found somewhere we haven’t yet looked. But on the other hand, it can be worrisome to try something that seems entirely new.

Many Al-Anon members struggled for many years with the difficult challenges of coping with the effects of alcoholism. It’s often easier to envision continued difficulties than a positive solution. That’s why it’s easy to think of so many reasons not to attend an Al-Anon meeting.

If you feel anxiety about attending an Al-Anon meeting, you’re not alone. Many people have felt that way. But overcoming that reluctance is an opportunity for personal growth, the first of many that the Al-Anon program offers. It’s the first step on the road to recovery.

Don’t worry about whether or not you want to become a “member.” Just visit a variety of different meetings to gather information—to hear how the people there handle their issues with alcoholics. It may be that some of their experiences will be helpful to you.

One of the Al-Anon program’s basic principles is that of anonymity. Meetings are confidential, and we do not disclose whom we see or what we hear at meetings to anyone.

Al-Anon may be listed in the white pages of your local telephone directory. Cities with local information services are listed on our website. Many of those listed post meeting information on their websites. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666).
          It is your choice to speak or not during the meetings. Newcomers are welcomed to meetings, usually provided with literature and a local meeting list, and invited to listen and learn. Some meetings offer beginners’ meetings, specifically for newcomers. Members are available to answer questions before or after the meetings.

Al-Anon and Alateen members are people just like you and me–people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking. They are parents, children, spouses, partners, brothers, sisters, other family members, friends, employers, employees, and coworkers of alcoholics. No matter what our specific experience has been we share a common bond: we feel our lives have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

They could be anyone, from all backgrounds and walks of life. Over 95 percent of alcoholics have families, friends, and jobs. They may function fairly well, but some part of their life is suffering. Their drinking causes a continuing and growing problem in their lives, and the lives they touch.

Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic’s behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill.

The primary purpose of Al‑Anon is to provide support to the friends and families of alcoholics. In a recent membership survey 35% of our members said they joined our program because of a loved one’s drug addiction and that their lives had improved since attending meetings.

There is another program, Nar‑Anon, which is for people affected by a loved one’s drug addiction. You can visit their web site here: Nar‑Anon.org. You are also welcome to try Al‑Anon meetings, then decide if the Al‑Anon program might be helpful to you.

Al-Anon is not a program for finding or maintaining sobriety. It is a program to help the families of alcoholics recover from the effects of someone else’s drinking.

The meetings are on a walk-in basis. Al‑Anon has no membership list, and does not take attendance. You’re welcome to attend as frequently or infrequently as you choose. There is never any obligation. You can choose to share your full name or not.

Al‑Anon Family Groups have one primary purpose: to help families and friends of alcoholics, however Al‑Anon’s 2018 Membership Survey reported that 35% of Al‑Anon members first came to Al‑Anon because of a relative or friend’s drug problem. The survey also showed that 78% of these members eventually realized that someone’s drinking also negatively affected their lives. You are welcome to try Al‑Anon meetings to see if the program is helpful to you. You may also find help in Nar‑Anon, a program for those affected by someone else’s drug addiction. Visit their web site at: nar‑anon.org.

 

NAR-ANON FAMILY GROUPS

A 12-Step Program for Family & Friends of Addicts

 

Here is NAR-ANON’s internet address :

https://www.nar-anon.org/

 

What is NAR-ANON?

The Nar-Anon Family Groups is primarily for those who know or have known a feeling of desperation concerning the addiction problem of someone very near to you. We have traveled that unhappy road too, and found the answer with serenity and peace of mind. Narateen is part of the Nar-Anon program for teens affected by someone else’s addiction.

When you come into the family group, you are no longer alone, but among true friends who understand your problem as few others could. We respect your confidence and anonymity as we know you will respect ours. We hope to give you the assurance that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness is too great to be overcome.

Our program, which is not a religious one but a spiritual way of life, is based on the Twelve Steps of Nar-Anon. We've found that the working of these steps will bring the solution to practically any problem. We urge you to take this program and its twelve steps seriously. It has been as helpful to us as the Narcotics Anonymous program is to the addict. We only ask for the wisdom and courage to see ourselves as we really are, to do something about ourselves with the help of a Higher Power as we understand this, and for the grace to release our addicts with love and cease trying to change them.

Keep an open mind and attend as many meetings as possible. Feel free to share during the meeting. You may ask questions after the meeting. You'll soon make friends and will feel very much a part of the group.

With the understanding that addiction is a disease, and the realization that we are powerless over it, as well as over other people's lives, we are ready to do something useful and constructive with our own. Then, and only then, can we be of any help to others.

 

What's Nar-Anon?

The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else’s addiction. As a Twelve-Step Program, we offer our help by sharing our experience, strength, and hope. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of addiction in a relative or friend. Our program of recovery is adapted from NA and uses our Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions, and Twelve Concepts.

 

What's a Nar-Anon Family Group?

The Nar-Anon Family Groups is primarily for those who know or have known a feeling of desperation concerning the addiction problem of someone very near to you. Members share their experiences, strength, and hope at weekly meetings, which are usually held at locations such as treatment and community centers, hospitals, churches, or local twelve-step clubs.

 

What if there's no Nar-Anon Group in my area?

If there's no Nar-Anon Family Group in your community, you may start one. Click here for more information on how you can do so.

 

How Do I Join Nar-Anon?

Joining is easy - just attend a meeting. There are no dues or fees. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of addiction in a relative or friend. We're never affiliated with any other organization or outside entity.

 

What Does It Cost?

Nar-Anon has no dues or fees.  Each group is self-supporting and collects donations that are used for local expenses such as room rent and supplies. Group and member donations support the Nar-Anon World Service Office.

 

Is Literature Available?

Nar-Anon publications are based upon the shared experience of our membership and their application of Nar-Anon's principles to their lives. You can view and purchase Nar-Anon literature at our Webstore.

 

Is Professional Help Available?

Nar-Anon is a non-professional fellowship whose members share their experience, strength, and hope to solve their common problems. We've learned to avoid standing in the way of the addict’s recovery. Nar-Anon is not a replacement for, nor provides professional treatment. We do cooperate with NA and other recovery programs, but don't affiliate with or recommend them specifically.

 

What is NARATEEN?

 

If you're a teen and someone important to you is an addict, you can find support in a Narateen group. Narateen is designed for teen Nar-Anon members. If there isn't a group near you, talk to someone in a Nar-Anon group to ask if they could facilitate a Narateen group.

Through group meetings, we learn each other's effective ways of coping, while gaining some peace of mind and hope for a better way to live. We help each other by sharing our experience, strength and hope. This way we feel free to say what's on our minds and in our hearts.

To protect everyone's anonymity, we only use first names. The names and stories shared in confidence aren't repeated outside of group meetings. You won't be forced to speak, but you can always ask questions after meetings. We understand how you feel, so know that it's a great relief to learn about more effective ways to cope with this disease. And remember, you're no longer alone.

 

What is a Narateen Group?

Narateen is an integral part of the Nar-Anon fellowship. Facilitators guide and share knowledge of the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions by keeping group focused and on topic. Narateen meetings are closed and limited to teenagers who are coping with the addiction problem of a family member or friend.

What are Narateen Facilitators?

Every Narateen group has two Nar-Anon facilitators who have passed a background check and have been verified by the region in which they serve. It is best if a facilitator is not a parent of a Narateen member as the members of the group may not feel free to speak openly. Facilitators should be those who are active in Nar-Anon and continue to attend their own meetings regularly.

What age group is Narateen?

Narateen is designed for members in their teens. Members beyond the teen years are encouraged to attend NarAnon meetings. Family members below teen years may not be ready for the Narateen program. Such children may have to depend on others to choose what they learn. This dependency could lead to the development of a teaching program rather than a shared learning experience. “Teaching” is not compatible with the Nar-Anon principle of sharing. There are, however, younger children who need and are ready for sharing in Narateen. It is within the autonomy of each Narateen group to lower the age limit or divide into groups according to age.

What can I do to help my children?

Narateen is a part of Nar-Anon specifically for teenagers who are affected by the addiction of a family member or friend. At Narateen meetings, teens share their experiences and hope with others living with similar circumstances.

How can Narateen help?

Through group meetings, young people learn effective ways of coping from each other, while gaining some peace of mind and hope for a better way to live. Members help one another by sharing their experience, strength and hope.

Are there Dues or Fees?

Meetings are free. All donations are voluntary. Nar-Anon/Narateen is supported by members’ voluntary contributions and from the sale of our Conference Approved Literature.

 

How do I find a Narateen meeting?

Both Nar-Anon and Narateen groups can be found on our website at www.nar-anon.org or by calling the Nar-Anon World Service Office (WSO) at (800) 477-6291 (toll free).

 

What if there is no Narateen in my area?

If there is no group near you, talk to someone in a Nar-Anon meeting and ask if they would be willing to facilitate a Narateen group for you. Nar-Anon members interested in starting a Narateen meeting should contact their regional service committee or the World Service Narateen Committee at narateen@nar-anon.org for more information.

 

Spouse Abuse

Domestic Abuse

 

The internet address for getting away from Spouse Abuse or Domestic Abuse is :

https://www.thehotline.org/

The Phone Number is :

1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

 

You can Text :

START to 88788

 

 

Abuse defined

Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.

          Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. People of any race, age, gender, sexuality, religion, education level, or economic status can be a victim — or perpetrator — of domestic violence. That includes behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate or control a partner, or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to, including through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control.

 

Recognize the signs of relationship abuse

At the start of a new relationship, it’s not always easy to tell if it will later become abusive. In fact, many abusive people appear like ideal partners in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight and may emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

          Every relationship is different and domestic violence doesn’t always look the same. One feature shared by most abusive relationships is that the abusive partner tries to establish or gain power and control through many different methods, at different moments.

Abuse is a learned behavior. Some people witness it in their own families growing up; others learn it slowly from friends, popular culture, or structural inequities throughout our society. No matter where they develop such behaviors, those who commit abusive acts make a choice in doing so — they also could choose not to.

          There are many people who experience or witness abuse who use their experiences to end the cycle of violence and heal themselves without harming others. While outside factors (including drug or alcohol addiction) can escalate abuse, it’s important to recognize that these issues do not cause domestic abuse themselves.

 

Who does abuse affect?

Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. Abuse happens regardless of gender, age, sexuality, race, economic status, ability, citizenship status, or any other factor or identity. Feelings of confusion, fear, or anger are normal responses to abuse, but they may also make you feel isolated or like no one will understand. Remember that expert advocates from The Hotline are available 24/7 to talk through your situation and help you build a safety plan tailored to your circumstances.

          Being abusive is a decision: it’s a strategic behavior by your partner to create their desired power dynamic.

          Regardless of the circumstances of your relationship or past, no one ever deserves to be abused and you’re never responsible for your partner’s abusive actions.

Domestic violence can also strain the people who witness, intervene, or simply recognize the tragic realities of relationship abuse. It can be painful and draining — physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially — to watch the people in our lives abuse or be abused. In that regard, we are all impacted by any and all forms of abuse, and it’s on each of us to take steps in our daily interactions to end and prevent future abusive behavior.

 

Prologue

 

If you are experiencing any of these dread problems I hope that this book will help you.  It should provide you with the basic information to find support the people who will help you.

I wish you the very best.

Later, perhaps, if you wish to, you will help others also from your new found strength and those honest and good things that are within you and of you.

 

Wouldn’t that be nice?